I'm proud to be an american.

I think I have started this blog post a hundred times, but everytime I write something it just doesn't sound right. How Do I write about this deployment? how do I explain the emotions?

Five months after Nathaniel came home from his last deployment he told me of the possibility of another deployment. I wasn't expecting another one for another couple of years. But as an army wife I took it in strides but I don't think I ever felt like he was going to deploy (some may call it denial :) as his deployment date came closer and closer it felt so surreal. Was he really leaving again? Then July came and wonderful Miss Hannah was born. She has brought so much joy into our lives. Then exactly ten days after she was born her daddy had to leave for a month of training to deploy. Boy we sure did miss him. I thought maybe he wouldn't have to go so when  he came and told me he had to leave in two days: I said "Ok, we knew it was a possibility" and I tried to be strong, I tried to smile, I am so proud of him but as I stared at him packing his bags I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. I cried. The emotion was so overwhelming as I held our sweet newborn. But the time came for my wonderful husband to leave to training and I was strong. I was strong because I had to be. I was stong because I wanted to be. and you know what we made it through that month. healing from child birth and taking care of a two year old and a colicky newborn was not easy and at times I cried as I held my crying baby and I prayed. I prayed for patience. I prayed to feel my Heavenly Fathers love.

After Nathaniel got home the next few weeks were filled full of wonderful memories. I remember thinking, "I wish this could last". But as we all know we can't stop time and all of a sudden deployment day was here. So we packed up Nathaniel's bags, strapped our kiddos into their car seats, and headed to post at two in the morning. As we drove, there wasn't much traffic and I felt like it was just the two of us. I held his hand, he held my hand and I just looked at him and thought, "this day can't be here already, it feels to surreal, is he really leaving"? Then we pulled onto post and I knew it was happening. First thing that happened: nathaniel had to get his weapon. As he walked back to us with his gun and his pistol strapped to his leg, it hit me again, "this is happening". So many emotions hit me at once. Proudness, sadness, happiness, and then I was scared. With his first deployment I knew he was going to be ok. I just felt it. This deployment I have not felt that. I. am. scared. I love this man more then words can explain and seeing him carry his weapons knowing that he may have to use them terrified me. I wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. But instead, I smiled at him and said that he looked great and that I was proud of him.

Soon the time came for us to say our goodbye's. I almost feel like this moment is unexplainable. If you have been through a deployment, you understand this moment.  Our sweet little boy understood that his daddy was leaving and we both held him between us as he cried. I couldn't talk because there was a lump in my throat. I kissed Nathaniel. Then I kissed him again  and then I took our sweet boy and baby girl to the car and I just held Camden. Camden knew his daddy was gone and it broke his little two year old heart so I just held him as he sobbed into my shoulder.

And now we are more then two months into our second deployment. We miss Nathaniel everyday. But each day is wonderful as well. Camden is his silly goofy self and Miss Hannah is growing out of her colicky stage and I can see her wonderful personality coming through. She lets all of her excitement show and will squel and laugh all at the same time. it melts my heart.

And before we know it Nathaniel is going to be home, and as many military families have done before us, we will pack up and move onto our next adventure.